Monday, November 28, 2005

Babies All Grown Up

Katie BEAR!!!!

My best friend Katelyn, hehe is 19 today folks! The youngest of the girls. And there were about seven of us at one point.. She's our baby. She's finally legal all over Canada. Though it doesn't matter in Alberta with the drinking age at 18. But Katie you are finally old enough. Soon we'll be planning trips into the states and you STILL won't be old enough, hehe.

Katie has and will always be here for me... She has been there throughout some of the most horrible things that have happened in my life. When I felt like my entire world had ended, she would be there. Or she'd be the one to come over to my house to wake me up.. get me out of bed and take me to Fusion, anywhere... just to get me OUT. She would buy my mom flowers when she knew she was having a rough day. She is a really considerate and thoughtful person. She was the only person that I actually said goodbye to when I moved. She stopped by the old house with a case of beer for mom and a bottle of pink poison for me. She knew us well. She was there for it all. I can say that I've been there for her, but not for it ALL. I wish I could say I was..

So today is her day. The day to celebrate her life here. For her being here and for her to live onto to continue to do great things for other people because that is what Katie does. She lives to cheer us up, she breathes to make her mama smile and to be her dad's company. She is here to make others happy and we are so greatful to her. I love this girl. She is why I am so strong. She is an example to me ... to not be a victim, but a survivor. We've all had our share of rough experiences and Katie doesn't milk that shit.

I am so happy for my girl because she is finally happy. She is proud of her life and I am too. This is a great person everyone..

Happy Day My Girl. I love you!

The Days of Katie

Girls in Grade 8

Us at Christmas Creepy Santa

Us Before A Wedding

Us Outside Katie's

Hallowe'en Grade 10..

Part of the YMCA, Grade 11

Girls Camping

Us In Cochrane for Hell's Bell's Wedding

Us In Hinton Recently

Saturday, November 26, 2005

My Christmas Baggage

November 26th... a month from today it'll be over. Christmas time will be nearing the end. I think we'll all feel relief instead of disappointment that it's already over.

Christmas has always been such a big deal in my life. I don't think I have ever been a grown up during Christmas time. Every year, being the youngest in the family I had the right and responsiblity to wake everyone up early. I made my mom get up in the middle of the night and put the presents out, so that it looked like Santa had come while we were asleep. I am not joking around people, I am a child at Christmas. Kyli would usually follow me but never was she first to have to wake me up. Lincoln will always be the last to trapes his ass out of his bed like we were punishing him. How can anyone be bitchy on CHRISTMAS? How is that even possible? Haha, see... a child.

But this year I fear that I just might not be the same little kid I've been for the last nineteen Christmas' before. First of all, we'll be here... in the boonies. The good thing is that Kyli, Lincoln and Joe will all be here. Lincoln's girlfriend, Jess will be with her family as will Rob. Maybe this is a good thing, seeing as Linc and I can tag along together and no one can feel left out. Second, mom isn't going to be very lively and I can understand that completely. But it might be a bit of a chore to keep her spirits lifted which could be discouraging. Traditons are a big thing with me and I'm pretty sure all the basic traditions we've had are all broken this year. Along with most of our Christmas spirits. But I am going to make an effort to keep myself happy. There won't be snow which isn't a bad thing, just different for me. What's Christmas without of f***in' snow? (I am Albertan, so it's going to take some time for me to adjust) Mom said since we're... 26,25 and 20.. that Christmas isn't going to be very big this year. And yes she's said that every year, but I know that this year... since her youngest is 20.. it is going to be like that exactly... small. Because I am a child, this disappoints me. Oh well. I am really big on the "at least we're all together for Christmas.." Because this is the first year where this is a very important detail.

Mr. Rob Junkala himself is going to be absent for our first Christmas.. which technically isn't our is our... it ISN'T our first Christmas apart...haha, so far they all have been apart...but this is our first Christmas knowing each other...apart! WHAT? I am all messed up now. But I'm sure the idea is figured out.. I am happy that he is going home. He needs to. He needs to see his friends and his family. His house. This is a big thing. He "needs to party in his old house for the very last time." Cute. He took me to Hinton to get my shit all figured out.. the things I forgot about.. So this is his chance to do the same. Go home, see everyone he misses and do all of the things he misses, and bring his things back that he forgot about.. etc. I am also happy that he is going home because his family needs him. He needs to complete their Christmas by being there. Hey, I can certainly understand that.

Soooooooooo Christmas is coming. I'm not as freaked out about it as I was... up until I wrote this little blog.

Bring it on Santa.. I'm fuckin' ready.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Right On

Days off are nice. Nice for me to get some alone time. Time to think and most importantly, time to SLEEP IN.

Rob left for work early and I was pouting like a child. I didn't want him to go but also because I had some really stupid dreams. I dreamt that I was back with Paul. I was thinking to myself, as Paul is talking to me.." what about Rob...?" Paul said something like.." man it was so sweet...etc" I was thinking, in my dream.. "Rob would've said.. 'it was so deadly'..

Just those little things that make someone so individual. They're even apparent in my dreams. I was upset when I woke up, thinking that I was with him again, but instantly realizing that I was right where I wanted to be. I like those dreams, where you wake up, and feel better knowing that your life is what you want it to be..

The idea of love, what is that? I refuse to muddle up my relationship with that word right away. I only say this because I have done that so many times when in fact I didn't mean it. This time around, I want it to be real... I want to know for a fact that I am in love, before I go saying it. Lately, I have been getting these really strong feelings, and I haven't been ignoring them..maybe just setting them off to the side. I am not sure if we're ready for.. that word just yet. I will be honest though, this feeling is overwhelming and I am not really sure how to describe it..

Loving someone does frighten me I think. It makes me vulnerable and naiive. I refuse to be naiive again. I think that is because each time that I have been "in love" I have lost my identity. Especially with my first love, I just dove in head first..not looking to see where I'd land, not thinking about anything but him. For the time it had been nice, but now knowing how stupid I had been in that entire relationship, I won't do that again. Love is scary to think about, when you're not in it. But once you're lost in it, nothing else seems to really matter... That's the part that frightens me the most. Fearing love?.. is this healthy?

My mom said when she first met Rudi she knew that she would marry him. She also said the same for my dad. I can't say that I have felt that sudden urge when first meeting him. Being honest, because this blog is for me to write my inner feelings in, even though I know people read it... I will continue to be honest, fully aware that it is going to be known and this is okay as long as I can be honest with myself..

My feelings for Rob are right. We are really right for eachother. We do have fun and I think that he is going to be someone I will love one day. It's too soon to say that I do.. It's too soon to know in my eyes that we will be together forever, and also VERY naiive to say that as well. But things feel right and comfortable. I love being comfortable and I feel tremendously secure around him.

I needed to get that all out. I needed to write it out because it was KILLING me keeping that all in. Things feel right in my life and I will continue to live it the way that I have been in order to keep this feeling..

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Flippin' Fun

Rob and I have so much fun together. This is a perfect example of this... About an hour prior to this picture, Rob asked me to walk towards him... so I do this..and he flips me.. like a crazy man over his head onto my back, onto his bed. I screamed so loud! So this time around, I was somewhat prepared. My cousin Alex was the one taking the picture, preparing for the action shot.

There is the result.. My hair is flying in the air.. It's not like he was gentle when flinging my body through the air over his shoulder. Too funny.

My point of this post is to admit that having the right person in one's life is just the medicine. Ever since meeting Rob things have become a hundred times more interesting that's for sure. He's quite the character and a lot of fun to be around.. As you can see... from the pictures again..

It's really nice being around someone so supportive of what I am going through. Supportive is a really great way to explain what Rob is like. He just supports me, and tells me when he's proud of me.. which seems like a lot.. and that is so rewarding to hear. "I'm proud of you."

We just have a lot of fun together. Like when we think of things to do..when we're bored, we go to the pub and play pool together, or a game of darts. I have never been like this before in a relationship. I don't know if I was lazy, but I was never willing to do those kinds of things. But now I really enjoy it. He even mentioned how cool it was to be having a beer with his girlfriend at the pub and playing darts. I agree. We definetly are a cool couple. And when something bothers one of us, we just tell each other.. and the teeny as that may be, is resolved..and noted. I don't know, we're doing well. And I couldn't be happier with everything.

It's really nice to have found him so soon, after I moved here. I think we really needed each other. Now at least we can say we have one good friend here in B.C. (though we both have a couple of good ones..)

I'm proud to say that I am dating Rob and I hope that he is pleased with his new girl too.

Monday, November 14, 2005

My Crazy Logic

Rob and my Mountains

Me and my mountains, on the way home...

A few pictures to show how beautiful where I grew up really is..

Like I mentioned in posts from before, Rudi is living and breathing through those mountains, and I truly felt that when we were passing through this time around.

The other night I was watching some home videos with Rob. Of course I knew that a lot of them would have Rudi on them and they did. I was really doing just fine, until the very last part of the very last video we decided to watch.. Mom had the video camera on Rudi and she was closing up the night.. saying Merry Christmas and telling Rudi to relax now that he was finished making the turkey dinner etc.. Then she said, "okay Rudi say goodbye.." And he's sitting in his chair (also on another post..) and he looks at the camera.. and casually waves and says "goodbye.." Oh my goodness. The effect that something so simple.. had on me was unbelievable. I lost my mind. I started crying and crying.. and I just couldn't stop.

I realized at that exact moment.. that I was going about this the wrong way. I was avoiding the fact that he was gone in my head. I was ignoring my memories of him and trying to put him on the back burner in my brain. Well this now I realize isn't very healthy. I miss him and I am really sad. I miss him so hard that it hurts. I miss him so much that as I write this the tears are forming in my eyes as I type. I can't avoid him anymore. I can't ignore him anymore. I have to just grieve I guess. No matter how miserable that makes everyone else around me, I guess this is what I have to do. And I really don't want to. I hate being sad and I HATE HATE HATE crying. I just think it's a waste of time and why should I let people see me cry, that's what they want isn't it... 'Haley's gonna crack sometime, she's been much to strong..' 'It's unhealthy that Haley hasn't broken down yet..' and the comments go on and on. No one has said this to me personally, but I know what people are thinking. (family members..)

I feel like they are just waiting for me to fall apart now and I don't want to. I don't want to be like everyone else and be miserable and difficult to be around. The only person that I truly feel comfortable enough around crying is Rob. This is because he didn't know Rudi and this way he feels badly for us because we lost our dad, mom's husband, etc. But he doesn't miss Rudi he just wishes he met him. This way I don't feel guilty about crying infront of him, even if it makes him sad... He can afford to be sad for me, whereas my family can't because they have to be sad for themselves first. Yeah, that's my crazy logic.. I wonder if it makes any sense ...?

So that's that. I'm sad. And yeah, it's totally okay to be sad. I have never felt this sad for a long time though. This is definetly a different kind of feeling than any other experienced so far since the ... death. (How do word something so sad, and tragic...? )

The videos are so hard to watch..not only because we see Rudi again. But because it reminds us of how happy he made all of us. How much of a light he was in our days.. how he made us all laugh all the time. He was a big part of our lives and I forgot that. I forgot what it was like to have Rudi around. He's never been here, in this house, on the island... I don't remember seeing him walk through the front door like I did in Hinton. Maybe that's why it's better we live here..maybe not.

I need to find a way to deal with this pain and I am having a difficult time figuring out how.. I'm sure it will come to me. He wouldn't just leave me hangin' like this would he..

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Home Girl

I realized that home isn't Hinton. Up until this trip I thought that's what it was. The song, by Micheal Buble "Home" came on when I first moved here and it made me sad. Tonight I had a shower and heard it again but this time I felt great about the song. Hinton was just a place that I grew up in. Home is where family is. It's my brother, my sister, my mom and Rudi.

I realized that longing for home is something I will forever have to do. Home is where all our memories are made. I know that I still have the rest of my family to share new experiences with and I do look forward to them. But there will always be something missing in our home. Even when we start families of our own.. there will always be a piece missing... someone to miss. I realize now that that's okay. Home is where we all are when we're matter where that might be. To me now, that is home..

Hard to concentrate right now on writing a blog.. So I leave you all with that little bit about what I believe to be home.. Hope it makes you all think.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

My Trip

My Baby- notice the jersey...

Us Girls- Katie, Me, Carmelle

Rob and Me ~ Me after "the greens" on Rudi's Chair

Katie and Eric

Grandma and Grandpa and Lil' Ol' Me

Closure In So Many Ways


Okay I went back to my home town Hinton, Alberta this weekend. There was one main reason when Rob and I set out on Friday night; to get my things from Paul.

But I realized that going back was meant to happen for a number of reasons.

First off, I realize how much more amazing this guy is. Rob has done so much for me already. But taking me back to where I used to live, over ten hours away one weekend to pick my things up from my ex boyfriend was huge. For Rob to have to see my ex and to have to see me see my ex for the first time... was a big deal. But he is mature enough to do this for me, jealous free and with so much thought. He wanted to make sure I was happy the entire time. He kept saying, "are you happy.. Is there anything else you want to do before we leave, anything at all, I'll do it for you.."
This guy is so great and I am so proud that he did all of this for me.

I needed to go and get my mom's things from Paul. He was supposed to bring them when he came for his things. But Paul is such a procrastinater that we all knew this wasn't going to happen any time soon. So by us going, we got what we wanted and we were nice and decided to bring a few items for Paul. I brought him his guitar and some winter clothes, etc. But not everything because he can come for it himself. I stand firmly on that one. And I will not back down. My mom wanted to get her lawn mower and I really wanted us to have our Christmas tree in time for Christmas. It's bad enough mom wants to skip Christmas altogether but this way, now we have our tree back, so she can't.

Seeing Paul was different. He looked different. Rob described it as, "shameful". He looked like a puppy that just got into trouble... It was difficult to look at him. I remember we did the guitar exchange... I said, "here's your life back.." and as I said that he was saying, "my life!" So I am glad that we brought something for him. This way, we end up looking good. The exchange of things went well. I know Paul's girlfriend so she came up to me and gave me quite a hug. She was good about it. Kristen, Paul's sister was kind of sad..and My baby, Drake was asleep in his car seat. I was disapointed because I wanted to see him so badly. But Kristen later phoned me back and invited Rob and I out for breakfast with just her and Drake. YAH! So I did get to see my baby and he is great! I am going to post pictures of him later today or tomorrow. I am like a proud mother when it comes to this little guy.

Leaving the driveway, was my way of leaving Paul. Leaving Hinton was like leaving Paul, for good. And it felt bittersweet. Not because I want him back, but because we had something there in Hinton, but that's it. We have nothing anymore and it feels refreshing.

I saw his parents at L&W Restaurant by crazy chance. I couldn't believe it. I went up to them and they looked shocked but they both hugged me. Denise looked like I felt; tearful. But again, seeing the two of them made me feel really great about myself and my new situation. They were very pleased to hear that I have a new boyfriend. They truly are great people. For them to be able to be happy for me, is a beautiful thing. The visit was wonderful and short lived like the entire trip, which was also perfect.

I visited Rudi's mom and dad, my grand parents. They were excited and very shocked to see me. We took pictures and I really don't think I've ever felt so welcome. I think that my presence was like a piece of Rudi. They miss him and by seeing me, it was like having a bit of him there. They had their arms all around me in the picture which I will be sure to post. I just felt so great leaving their house, with Rob. They told him to take care of me, and hoped to see him again. (haha, grandparents are so funny because they're so literal.)

My girl Katie is looking absolutely fantastic. I couldn't be happier with what I saw of her this weekend. She looks great. Not only does she look hot as hell, she is genuinely happy and well I think her new guy, Eric has a lot to do with that. It was really nice to be back at the Bouchard's as well. Thank you Wendy for having us!! We really appreciated it!! Seeing Carmelle again was like old times. Not a lot has changed there in Hinton.

As we drove towards Jasper, I had a hard time. There are so many memories along that drive of Rudi and our family hikes. Rob stopped a few times for me to take pictures of the mountains.. It was tough leaving that behind because it was like a lot of Rudi is still there because I can honestly say that that is Rudi's favourite place in the whole world still to this day. He loved nature and his mountains. Rudi's spirit is clearly there as we drove through. Rob and I played on Rudi's pool table at Master's. We asked some guys if they wouldn't mind letting me play on his table and I showed them the plaque, and explained that he was my dad and I needed to play on it. So I did get a lot of the things I wanted to get done. Rudi was a bit of a "smoker" of the greens and well, I got to smoke a little myself in his old chair... won't get into detail, but it was special..

Hinton. The town itself is the same. Not only is it blah there, but it's also freakin' freezing. The temperature change is so drastic. My lips are so dry still. The weather in Alberta is gross and I am so glad that we returned to our little island last night.

As we were gliding over sheer ice on the Coquihala Highway, I said, "we're not on our little island anymore..." It's so apparent once we leave. I swear, Vancouver Island is Canada's best kept secret. I am proud to be living here and I am not looking back..

Thursday, November 03, 2005

New Me

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

This is a saying that my friend told me about today. I was talking about how I have to keep myself modivated to run everyday. He shared this quote with me. I like it.

Today I ran for my sixth day, unfortunately not consecutively. But it felt really great to do it. The first day was killer but, I ran on and off. But today I ran the entire way only walking twice for a short time. I can't explain how amazing it made me feel when I got home. I was energetic and enthusiastic. I was very out of breath and sweating more out of anything. But it didn't last long. Like the first day I ran I was out of breath for a considerably long time. It just feels so great to know that it is actually working!

Running makes me feel so great. I think if anyone has the time to do this they should really consider it. Rudi started body building in his early twenties and didn't stop until months before his death, at age fifty five. I now understand why he did it. Well not completely because I haven't any physical results yet. Today I succeeded in running the entire way and I can't even begin to explain how proud I feel that I did it.

I kept thinking that I should keep my mind off the running altogether. If I think about it I remind myself that I am tired and want to stop running and start walking. But the entire way I kept my mind going on anything and everything. My entire life was flashing before my eyes, because I was making it in order to keep myself going. On the way back I kept on thinking about how tired I was. I thought about how great I am going to feel and look this coming summer. I'm going to be tanned because I live near the ocean and I plan on going to the beach everyday. I will have a flat stomach, great, muscular legs and long dark hair. ( growing my hair long and dying dark brown). I really look forward to the summer because *Rob and I are going to go to Tofino and I am going to try out surfing for the first time. I think I will really enjoy it and I know that he does. We'll be surfing, and looking and feeling GREAT!

I love that my life is turning around and that I am a new me. I am really serious about the exercising. When I can't run out here. I will go lane swimming with my aunty at the pool which is right across the way from *Rob's house. I am just really looking forward to looking better and not only that, but feeling better about myself as an end result. Exercise is very rewarding and I am excited about the new me that is sneaking into my new life.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Me and Joe in Victoria. One nice picture and one where he looks like he's killing me. It looks a lot worse than it is! We have a lot of fun together!

Joe Struck


I am home from being away for almost more than a week. I have not stayed home for what seems like forever. I have just been staying at *his house because we have been spending a lot of time together. I like being home but only for so long and then I get anxious to get back into Qualicum again. I guess I feel like I'm somewhat missing out on "life" .... when I'm out here in Errington. Maybe I should look into what that means, or not. Once I get back into Qualicum I don't have to do anything, but just being there is enough for me. Weird huh..

I can't really explain yet where I am going this weekend, but it is far... and it is damn well worth it. It is mom and Rudi's anniversary. 18 years they would've been married.. Once a person dies, I guess that means that the couple is no longer married. ' Til death do us part...?' Kyli and Joe are coming to stay with her this weekend so that she is not alone. I am releived to hear that. I knew that my timing was bad but I really need to go this weekend or it just won't work out. ( I'll explain after I return where I went and why..)

Kyli is a great person, always very considerate. But I know that Joe is behind this visit. When Rudi was dieing he really surprised me with his mature actions. He really pulled through for the family. And he really loved Rudi and I had never realized this before. Never. I am glad now that Rudi ended up giving Joe his beautiful guitar and not Paul. Not for obvious reasons either. Joe really deserved it just for the way he was about Rudi. He was just so good to him. It was almost like watching a grown man with a baby girl in his arms... the precious way that a man looks with a child in his arms..and you can see how taken back that man is to such a sweet little person. Well of course Rudi didn't resemble a baby girl, but the way that Joe handled him and talked to him, was just touching.

Joe and I have this fake Love-Hate relationship. I say it's fake because there is no hate in it at all. We poke fun at each other all the time. After partying in Vic that night I was running around without pants. ( I do not wear pants to bed..everyone who knows me, knows this..and has to deal with my pant less self at night.) Well he wound up so hard and smacked me right in the ass. My goodness it hurt, but I couldn't feel, with how drunk I was. But it's stuff like that. Next time I'll pull his chest hair really hard when I get a chance.. We get each other back. It makes for a more interesting visit. As well as entertaining for everyone else.

So I guess I can say that I dedicate this blog to someone I know will "make it" in the family.. To my one day brother in law, Joe Stewart. The hairiest bastard I know.