Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Me and my dad when I was teeny.. Posted by Hello

If Heaven Had A Phone Number...

Today I feel sad. I live day by day, but I can't hide the fact that a piece of me is gone. My dad. I joke about death and how I wish I could phone him in heaven to ask him where things were. But in all honestly, it's not really all that funny. It's much like me; sad. I long for his presence, his voice today. One hug, one smile... anything. All I have now are memories and photographs. I am so afraid that he is going to fade away in my mind and I won't remember what his hands looked like, or how he laughed.
I hate crying. I hate it so much. I know that crying is natural but I know that it doesn't help and only makes me feel sorry for myself. I don't want to have people feel sorry for me. Yet, when I hear about people losing their loved ones I always remember feeling so badly for them. Not being able to imagine what it would be like, to lose someone so close to me.
All of the days that are beautiful and sunny remind me of him. He always loved to lay out in the driveway on a lawn chair in the heat, tanning. Even in October, if the sun was shining he'd be out there, in shorts sun tanning. Hilarious. Now it's memories like that, which I cling onto so dearly, afraid, unable to let go. How do you let go? Are you supposed to, in order to move on?
I hate thinking that my dad isn't alive. He's dead. So now what? Who do I go to for all the things that my dad took care of? He was always just there. I never really took the time to sit back and think, wow what a guy. I just avoided him whenever he'd come home from work. I'd step aside and let him and mom hang out and talk about their day in peace. Strange how that works now that I think back to it. Did I do that because some part of me knew that they didn't have a lot of time together? Or did I do that because I felt like I had better things to do? I am not sure. I am not sure about many things. I am just sad.
If Heaven had a phone number I would phone him everyday so I could remember his voice forever...

Monday, April 25, 2005

Write On With It...

Writing is my passion. I love getting my thoughts down on paper, it has helped me get through a lot of issues in my life. Nine years ago I bought a notebook and decided that day that I was going to faithfully write a page everyday about how my day was, or how I was feeling, etc. I haven't stopped with my journal. I miss a day, but I go back and write what happened that very day. I have 15 notebooks full of my feelings and thoughts since I was in grade four. I haven't really looked back on too many of those endless pages...but I will one day. Memories will just flow through me with each page I read.
I am looking forward to one day writing a book. I have experienced many things in my life and I have very interesting material to contribute to the hopeful masterpiece. Since I was a little girl I have always proclaimed that I was going to be a famous author when I grew up. To this day, I still want to be a successful writer. I have all of the faith in myself but it's just getting to it. I write down all kinds of little filler ideas that don't have a lot to do with the story line itself. But I haven't quite figured out who I want to be the main character, what might happen, etc. One day it will come to me just not yet I guess. But when it does, I hope to be successful and have created a brilliant novel that will intrigue and excite my readers. Until then... I am going to keep up this roller coaster ride of a life and continue on getting great material for my future book.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

The Sun Is Finally Shining On Us

What a messed up place the world is. One minute everything is going just fine, except for minor complaints about the weather, boredom, etc. But these things are so minor they don't even matter really, in the scheme of things. Death. Boom. Bites a person in the ass hard. Death. What do you do? How do you cope? People don't think that they know how they could survive once it hits and affects them. But they do. Survive. That's about the only encouragement you really get. Live because time does not stop because of death. It may feel like it and time, lots of time will go by before anyone notices really. It's only been a month and a half since my dad died. And it feels like it just happened in a sense and in another way, it seems like it was such a long time ago. I never believed that my family would be able to cope with something like this. But here we are today... My brother is back home visiting. Everyone's sitting out in the backyard like the big guy would've wanted us to. We're enjoying this gorgeous, breath taking day that he has created for us. I feel safe in the dark. I know he's there watching over our house, over each and everyone of us individually. Once a person dies, only their body dies. But their spirit truly lives on.... It really does. He's everywhere. I can tell he's around because we're all doing well, considering our circumstances. My mom, wow is she ever heart broken, but she's a rock. She's not a victim but a survivor. That's how I continue on being happy and enjoying wonderful days like this; I survive. We finally can see the sun... the beautiful weather... because nothing can stop us.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Day One

Well this is officially my first Blog entry. I am a newcomer. It's sort of like kindergarden when I wasn't quite sure what to expect.... Sort of, of course. Why is it that there are so many things going on in my head but once I have a chance to share them I can not. I don't usually have a problem with sharing my feelings on paper. But I am not used to the fact that it is accessable for others to read. Not only are others reading my thoughts, but strangers rather. Interesting. And not polite interesting, but actual genuine interest. It is peculiar how people say that word, and never truly mean it; interesting. It's almost just something a person is expected to say in a sense. My marigolds are blossoming.. A person may respond with an interesting. But is he really interested? Just some food for thought.